LA ZONE -
Résumé : Lapinchien nous avait proposé une idée pour une rubrique, qui comme beaucoup d'autres a fini à la flotte. Elle concernait un trio de branques hostiles au progrès scientifique. Ce texte devait faire partie de l'introduction. Du coup il vaut à peu près rien en tant que tel, mais merde, j'ai pas bossé pour rien. Quelques vannes pour rassasier le chaland, sinon RAS.

C'était mieux avant

Le 23/10/2008
par nihil
[illustration] - Madame, je vous prie de bien vouloir écarter les cuisses, bordel.
Ces connasses ne veulent jamais. Trop habituées à leur confort bourgeois. Je sais, mes méthodes manquent de tact, mais c'est le prix à payer pour des soins de qualité. Impossible de faire entendre ça à cette pauvre femelle terrorisée, emmitoufflée dans ses draps.
- Madame, soyez raisonnable. Je n'ai pas que ça à faire.
Elle finit par s'éxécuter timidement. Elle minaude, cette radasse, en oubliant qu'elle a plus vraiment l'âge d'une lycéenne éffarouchée. Mais j'en ai rien à foutre de ta grosse chatte, ma pauvre, tu peux y aller. Je suis un scientifique moi.
- OK. ET MAINTENANT VAS-Y, METS-MOI EN PLEIN LA FACE SALE PUTE !
Sous l'effet de la surprise, elle lâche un petit jet d'urine. Le liquide chaud dégouline sur mon nez, ma bouche, mon menton. Ca va, rien de trop grave.
Je goute, en connaisseur, laisse rouler quelques millilitres sous mon palais. C'est sucré, indéniablement. Avec un petit goût de... De quoi déjà... Cette truie aurait quand même pas oublié de me prévenir qu'elle a ses règles ? Peu importe, c'est sucré, ça s'est sûr.
- Madame, les analyses ne trompent pas : vous êtes diabétique !
Diagnostic efficace et immédiat. Quel automate moderne peut en dire autant ?
La patiente ne dit rien, son nez pointe à peine du drap dont elle s'est empressée de se couvrir. Et oui, le retour aux vraies techniques traditionnelles, celles qui ont fait leurs preuves, peut être effrayant parfois.
- Madame, je reviens vous voir tout à l'heure pour la saignée. Ne vous inquiétez pas : juste un litre. N'essayez pas de vous enfuir cette fois, ça ne servira à rien. De toutes façons, j'ai mis un piège à loup devant votre porte. N'insistez pas.

Elles voudraient toutes utiliser un pot à urine stériles, ces chiennes asservies au Grand Progrès. Je me méfie de ces trucs en polyurétho-tétracyclo je ne sais quoi. Manipuler des
saloperies chimiques pareilles à longueur de temps, c'est un coup à se choper le cancer. Toute substance comportant plus de deux préfixes est potentiellement nuisible. Principe de précaution.
Avant, je prenais des pots de confiture lavés pour mettre les urines. Mais depuis la mort de Mémé, je ne trouve plus que de la confiote de supermarché. De la gélatine industrielle colorée et arômatisée en laboratoire. On nous ferait bouffer du sperme de porc teint en orange ou violet, qu'on ne s'en douterait même pas. Hors de question que je m'approche de ces merdes.
Alors, à défaut de mieux, les analyses d'urine, c'est direct dans ma gueule. Ca c'est de la qualité traditionelle, de l'analyse à l'ancienne, de bonne tenue, rigoureuse. Il leur faudrait un putain de label rouge, à mes analyses. Garanties sans pesticides et sans conservateur.

Ca fait longtemps que j'ai arrêté de faire confiance aux automates de laboratoire. Qui sait ce qui se passe réellement sous leur capot ? Qui vous dit qu'on ne vous diagnostique pas le paludisme alors que vous avez la lèpre, une conjonctivite alors que vous avez le Sida ? Faire confiance à une putain de machine avec des bras articulés plutôt qu'à un autre être humain, ça c'est une preuve de décadence de notre civilisation ou je ne m'y connais pas. Vous donneriez votre sang à un putain de robot de l'outre-espace, vous, même si il vous le demandait poliment ? Eh bien c'est exactement ce que vous faites, pourtant.

Allez, ras-le-bol, je rentre. Je commence à avoir faim et il faut encore que je tue un ou deux pigeons pour le dîner. Avec un arc et des flèches, c'est pas si évident.

= commentaires =

Lapinchien


tw
    le 24/10/2008 à 00:25:03
nihil, tu tends un peu la perche aux vanneurs de la petite semaine avec ton titre.
M. Yo


    le 24/10/2008 à 01:28:19
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Non ?
Prototype Nucléique


    le 24/10/2008 à 07:58:33
Non, c'était pas mieux, avant.
Putsch


    le 24/10/2008 à 08:05:23
Il n'y a pas grand chose à en dire, du texte. C'est pile ce qui faut au réveil, mais après, je ne vois vraiment pas. Rab.
Prototype Nucléique


    le 24/10/2008 à 08:08:31
Environ 7 jours.
Putsch


    le 24/10/2008 à 08:14:26
Hein?
Pygwenali


    le 24/10/2008 à 09:36:11
C'est la mode du cétaymieu à vent de toutes façons.
J'ai jamais bien compris l'utilité de l'instrument mais bon.

Sinon le texte..
Lisible.
Pas de quoi faire bander un cheval cela dit.
Zak Blayde


    le 24/10/2008 à 11:04:39
J'ai ri :D
evariste galeux     le 24/10/2008 à 11:14:10
Moi non. J'ai lu le résumé après, et... J'ai compris. Alors, je me suis dit que j'aurais peut-être esquissé un sourire si les incertitudes concernant le présent écrit ne m'avaient pas assailli.
El Def     le 24/10/2008 à 15:59:04
J'ai plutot bien aimé, c'est pas prise de tête. C'est un peu court
evariste galeux     le 24/10/2008 à 18:56:57
CTB
Le Duc


    le 24/10/2008 à 22:38:35
oui mon biquet
Marquise de Sade


    le 24/10/2008 à 23:41:04
L'idée est bonne, dommage que le texte ne soit pas plus abouti. on sent trop la surenchère de sordide parce qu'il faut mettre du sordide. Si j'ai bien compris le sujet, le narrateur a l'air surtout très aigri, encore bien plus que réfractaire au progrès.

L'idée n'est pas mal, il est où le point de départ de cette rubrique avortée ?

nihil


    le 24/10/2008 à 23:51:52
Faisez-moi pas chier.
Bon je retourne sur mon bouquin, je vais arrêter de me casser pour amuser des fines gueules dans votre genre.
lionrobe Marquise    le 25/10/2008 à 08:43:31
"L'idée est bonne, dommage que le texte ne soit pas plus abouti. on sent trop la surenchère de sordide parce qu'il faut mettre du sordide".

Elle est même excellente, mais elle est sordide ou rien, sinon. En tant qu'intro, on ne peut pas lui demander plus, sauf que je me demande si la fin du texte n'a pas été retravaillée un peu pour lui donner un minimum de sens, et là c'est juste dommage d'en finir aussi vite, quand on pourrait la jouer post apocalypse avec une société avancée et décadente comme il se doit, et une autre souterraine et déviante...???
Aelez


    le 25/10/2008 à 10:46:21
C'est frais.
Ca passe bien avec un café.
wrong turn     le 25/10/2008 à 23:01:15
je ne confierai jamais mon foutre à analyser à un enculé de séropositif
Glaüx-le-Chouette


    le 25/10/2008 à 23:13:28
Nan mais, en fait, t'sais, le sperme, ils te le réinjectent pas, une fois qu'ils l'ont analysé.

Enfin, en général.

Ou alors à ta mère.
Lapinchien


tw
    le 25/10/2008 à 23:26:31
ils jouent avec à l'ejac faciale dans les backrooms des labos, non ?
Strange


    le 25/10/2008 à 23:53:56
Ben une fois qu'ils ont fait leurs analyses sur le sperme/sang/urine/guacamole, il faut bien qu'ils en fassent quelque chose.

commentaire édité par Strange le 2008-10-25 23:54:38
nihil


    le 26/10/2008 à 00:13:00
Dans mon labo, on a une procédure très bien établie pour ce genre d'analyse, qu'on appelle la PR_T_041 : Spermogramme facial.
wrong turn     le 26/10/2008 à 12:37:21
oui, mais réservé aux têtes de noeud
Carc


    le 26/10/2008 à 22:21:58
les pigeons, à la sarbacane. c'est plus trve.
Glaüx-le-Chouette


    le 26/10/2008 à 22:32:41
5LE TEXTE? IL EST SYMPA SANS PLUS? MAIS SYMPA CMB QUAND MËME°

LE TRUC DE LA SARBACANE M4A FAIT PENSER 0 CABREL
ET MAINTENANT IL VA FALLOIR QUE JE CRIE LONGUEMENT POUR ME LIB2RER
AAAAAAAAAAAAH
ZuckerDiabeticFatty     le 27/10/2008 à 10:37:21
Au diable la qualité, si on ne lit que pour y noter la forme autant se taper un bon vieux bescherelle. Personnellement ce petit texte de moyenne facture m'a offert un fort agreable voyage dans le temps, non pas au XIXeme, mais à l'époque où dans mon musée j'évoquais les glorieux savants qui n'avaient que leurs papilles pour offrir un diagnostic.
Note perso à l'auteur, je vois que tu es toujours dans le métier, si tu veux un piston pour bosser dans mon musée fais moi signe, je sais que ça te plairait d'être entouré toute la journée d'authentiques appareils de chirurgie du XIXeme siecle.
Putsch


    le 27/10/2008 à 12:07:54
"Au diable la qualité, si on ne lit que pour y noter la forme autant se taper un bon vieux bescherelle."


C'est avec ce genre de réflexions que des gens comme moi (et quelques autres) sont encore en liberté. Penses-y.
evariste galeux     le 27/10/2008 à 16:47:18
Autant protéger ces réflexions et les gens comme toi alors.
Putsch, un conseil, ne les prends jamais par la main en public tu te ferais arrêter et tu vivrais un calvaire en prison. Les Reflexionophiles sont traditionnellement violés par le traditionnel gros turc barbu.
Putsch


    le 27/10/2008 à 17:47:02
Oh, oui, un gros turc barbu!


*bave de l'anus*



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